Imperfect Dieter

Monday, June 3, 2013

I started a cleanse/diet last week.

It started off really well and I was following the plan perfectly.  However, as is the case with every diet I commit to, there were several bumps by the time day 5 rolled around. I woke up that morning and the first thought that hit me was: 


Now, I should mention that I am currently nursing a three month old chunkster.  He weighs about 16 pounds.  He eats A LOT.  On a normal non-dieting day, after feeding Charming, I could do some serious damage to any food that comes across my path.  On top of that I'm doing a cleanse, watching my caloric intake AND I'm still nursing.

I could potentially kill someone for a cheeseburger.

So, back to the morning of day 5.

I wake up and I am hungry.  I'm also in a terribly bad mood.  Charming has just finished his morning meal (yes, people - I feed him in bed with me while I'm sleeping - sue me) and proceeds to throw most of it back up on my boobs and neck.  I move him over to his co-sleeper and get up to go take a shower. 

Sassy (my two-year old) wakes up and comes plodding into the bathroom screeching, "MAMA!  I take shower with YOU!!!"  


I summon up the sweetest voice I can muster and answer,  "Okay, sweetie.  Hop in here with me."

What should have only taken a short amount of time, ended up taking over forty-five soul crushing minutes. 

Sassy and Charming are clean.  I'm in a somewhat presentable condition and then I hear it.  The sides of my stomach are rubbing together and it is howling for food.  My dark mood darkens further.

I make it down the stairs to the kitchen.  I get a bowl of cereal ready for Sassy and Princess (who, thank goodness, is able to clean and dress herself for school now) and then I remember I haven't taken my thyroid pill.


If any of you out there have a thyroid issue, you know that you're supposed to take your thyroid medicine THIRTY minutes before you EAT.

Screw it.

I pop the thyroid pill in my mouth and chug it down with some water.  I look at my 'meal plan' for day five and I'm thrown into a fit of despair.  It says: Drink a Meal Replacement Shake OR eat a Protein, Carbohydrate & Vegetable.

What?  No donut?  No pound of bacon?

I yank the blender out of the cupboard and I begin the process of making my damn meal replacement shake.  I'm beginning to hate that stupid blender.  I want to add a banana to my shake so I look toward the fruit bowl and see that there are no bananas left.

What?! No bananas? SHIT!!! 

My husband must have eaten the last banana.  I could rip his eyes out of his head this very moment.  Good thing he's at work...

I decide that instead of making the shake with water, I will add milk.  I used the last of the milk in the refrigerator in our kitchen for the kids' cereal, so I plod downstairs to get another jug out of the fridge in our basement.  I open the refrigerator and let out a hiss.  No milk.


I stomp back upstairs and make my shake with water and no banana.  Princess announces that she's going to be late for the bus.  I tell her I will drop her off at school since I need to run to the grocery store. 

I drop Princess off at school and make my way to Safeway.  I do an internal check of my stomach to make sure I'm not too hungry.  You see, if I go into a grocery store even a little bit hungry, I will end up spending hundreds of dollars on junk food.  My stomach seems to be tamed and my mood has lightened just a bit. I feel safe enough to enter the store.

Sassy, Charming and I make it through the produce section, the dairy section and the bread aisle with no issues.  I'm starting to feel empowered.

YES!  I am kicking this diet's ASS!!  I am HOT!  I am WOMAN!

We make it to the checkout lane and this is where it all goes to hell. 

The candy is calling my name.  The peanut m&m's!  The plain m&m's!  The dark chocolate Hershey Bar!

Holy Mary Mother of God - they are buy 2 get one free. 

I start to rationalize.  I tell myself, "Hey, you've been so good for the past five days.  You DESERVE a treat!"

Damn right I do.

"Come on, they are buy two get one free!"

You said it sister. 

I look around guiltily, then I grab a bag of peanut and plain m&m's and a Caramello.  Oh, I can't wait to sink my teeth into the chocolatey goodness.

The cashier eyes me impatiently since she had finished ringing up my groceries five minutes ago.
I hand her my three choices.  I watch as she scans each delectable package.  I notice she has charged me for all three.

"Um, excuse me", I say a little sheepishly, "those were supposed to be buy TWO get one FREE".

She looks at me over the rim of her eyeglasses and scowls, "The Caramello bar ain't part of that promo".


This must be a sign from God - I shouldn't be so gluttonous.
I tell the cashier to only ring up the peanut M&M's.

I load up the groceries and the kids back into the car.  I'm sitting in the grocery store parking lot opening up my candy with such fervor that I could be mistaken for a druggie about to take a hit.

I plop a couple of m&m's into my mouth and let out a quiet groan.  Holy shit, these things are DELICIOUS!

I hunch over in my seat and shovel a few more into my mouth.  I don't want Sassy to see me eating any because I don't want to share.  With about half the bag already eaten, I start the engine and head for home.

I'm feeling really good!  Poppin' m&m's and listening to Pearl Jam while driving with two kids in my minivan.  Life is GOOD.

I'm enjoying myself so much that I don't see the jackass in the right lane trying to move over into my lane.  Suddenly, the jackass's car is swerving into my lane and I stomp on the brake.  I drop the bag of m&m's. Before I can rescue my precious chocolate, the bag is on the floorboard under my feet and my beloved sweet morsels are rolling around all over the place.


I can't rescue all of them.  I'm able to grab a good portion of the m&m's but I just KNOW there are a few rogue one's underneath my seat.  I look at the candy in my hand and ponder, for just a second, whether or not I should eat them.  I mean, they have been on the floor of my car.  Lord knows what else is on that floor.  Eh, fuhgeddaboudit.  I throw them in my mouth. 

I make it the rest of the way home without incident.  I'm worried about the rogue m&m's. I try feeling around underneath the seat.  I crane my neck to get a good look under the seat. 


I just KNOW that Michball (my husband) will clean out the car and find one.  He will then proceed to hold it up between his fingers and look at me accusingly with squinty eyes and ask,

"Aren't you supposed to be on a diet?"

Then I will answer with an excuse such as,

"I didn't eat any m&m's! It must've been one of the kids.  You KNOW how messy they are!"

He will just shake his head and give me a look that says he knows I'm lying.

Whatever.  It was worth it. 

Did I mention that I've lost nine pounds?

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